unconscious night

Is been 2 days didn't update my blog, this 2 day really having a bad day.
My handphone sim card got problems and all my friends couldn't find me and even don't know how to contact me, so i just stay at home because feeling so down that my house problems haven't solve~
Today i went out to find my friends and when i just start my car engine and begin to reverse and tried to turn left side~ there's a kid riding a bicycle bump into my car and my car was still moving to left side and unconsciously my car has just cross the kid foot and beside there's a steamboat restaurant full of people and they all were standing up to see what's has happen??!!!! i knew it must be worst thing has happen to me and i drive to a side and wanna pull over and want to go down to see what's the condition of the kid then suddenly i found out that the kid has flee away~~ i hurried catch 1 of his friends and ask how is he?? serious injured?? his friend say is ok~~ nothing......
that time i was feeling relief~~ when i driving i was totally lost myself because all infront my eyes were the problems that flew here and flew there..... i am so unconscious that what i was doing and even now i don't even know that i was able to laugh or not..... feeling so tired of all the time........

Today my friend ask me to go count down because today is merdeka eve, But i reject them because i don't feeling wanna go count down in such a condition...... actually i've been so emo this lately but i try to control my own emotion so that they won't go wild...... i don't think there is a person that can help me now but i will not give up believing that there's a hope~~ a hope that always shine inside my heart that still makes me believe this world is still beautiful of all good things and good people

imsonia

Now is morning 3.15am, can't sleep cause i've been sleeping whole day since 7 something till 1 something, when wake up feeling very bored and tired, suddenly so feel wanna play dota but lazy to go out, keep on disturbed by the troubles that trouble me.......
then i go to open some song to listen while playing some card games...... suddenly my eye flow out something but i didn't notice it until it reach my chin and drop into my clothes then i just realize it was a tears fall down to my clothes
actually i am not feeling that sad but just so annoy and keep on thinking a resolution to solve the current problems but my own body isn't like what my mind thinks it like, from this point i can see i growing tougher but my usual self haven't adapt to it and still like previous self when facing a problems i just will keep on evade and cry alone in my room

The time i stay in my room i finally realize that there is nobody can help me and all i can do is to count on myself and i clearly knows that compare to the future that current problems is just a small case compare to future unknown problems that may arrives.......

even though always looking like so many friends but i always feeling so lonely and seems like nobody that is truly understand me and i can't even find that friends till now........
right now all i can do is just hope that i can make it through this time and be strong.......

26.08.10

currently is 5.08, very moody.... whole body seems out of my control and feeling so tired...... now outside is raining and my heart is crying just like the rain......... this lately happen so much things to me, love.......works........family........ everything in my life seems to be unwell........ i know that this is just a test from the god...... i know that i can make it through, the real me is very tough and unbeatable, i wish that i can gain back my real me because i lost myself since last break up with the person who i thought was so important in my life.

Even now i always smiling infront of my friends, but actually i am crying inside deep in my heart, i always asking myself why i was born in this world??
i actually thinking that if my parent weren't brought me to this world...... will it be more good to me?? at least i wont suffer from current troubles that affecting my life!!
actually i am very selfish and stupid to think like that, i know my parents love me very very much, so i would not blame them for what they did and very grateful that they brought me to this world and i meet so many wonderful people in my life.
blaming or sinking inside sadness isn't make me stronger or mature instead of keep on falling down to failure life..... i hope that i can make it through this time

i starting to regain myself back, even just a little, but i know that myself is starting conscious and wake from the nightmare and prepare for anything that comes to me